


Turian Brandy, Triple-Filtered

by tortuosity



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol, Comedy, F/F, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 13:56:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17265419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tortuosity/pseuds/tortuosity
Summary: What if Liara was the one to run into Tali at the Normandy's bar instead of Shepard? Hijinks ensue.





	Turian Brandy, Triple-Filtered

#### Note: Originally written for the ME kinkmeme on LiveJournal many moons ago. 

“Honestly, could your firewalls be any more rudimentary?” Liara muttered to herself as her fingertips fluttered over the terminal's keys. She figured the central database of a planet would be slightly better protected, but apparently not. Plugging in a few commands to probe for weak points, she found what she was looking for in no time. Now to see where all those missing credits were going to...

“Liara?”

The asari swiveled her chair around to see Lieutenant-Commander Ashley William's head poking in her doorway. It was an odd sight; generally the only crew member that bothered to enter her room was Shepard. “Can I help you?” Liara asked.

The rest of Ashley's body made an appearance as she looked at the floor, as if unsure what to say. “Um... I can't believe I'm saying this, but Tali is in the lounge getting shitfaced and ranting. What should we do?”

Liara paused and quirked her head to the side slightly. “'Shitfaced?'” She had heard a lot of human expressions during her years, but this was a new one, one that sounded entirely unpleasant.

“Yeah, you know, really, really drunk.” Ashley shook her head in a mixture of amusement and dismay.

“Drunk?” The day's earlier mission to Sanctuary had proven to be stressful in a number of ways, however, Tali usually drowned any sorrows by busying herself with the _Normandy's_ technology, not alcohol.

Impatience found its way into Ashley's voice. “Yeah, hammered, smashed, fucked up, wasted, _intoxicated_ , Liara.”

“Yes, thank you, I get it,” the asari said with a touch of ice. Despite her views maturing over the years, Liara couldn't help but feel that Ashley still had some xenophobia to work through. “Isn't this something Shepard can handle? I believe Tali trusts her more than either of us.”

Ashley glanced at the ceiling, where Shepard's cabin was two floors above. “Sure, except Shepard's sleeping, and unless you plan on waking her up for this....”

“No, no, that would not be a good idea.” Shepard had the temper of a krogan when her sleep was interrupted. “I will go speak with her. Maybe she just needs someone to talk to.” Liara hoped, at any rate.

The LC sighed in relief. “Thanks. I have no tolerance for drunks. Think I'd just get pissed off. Or maybe join her and wake up on the floor... again.” She cringed at whatever memory that conjured; Liara could only speculate.

“Glyph, would you finish this up, please?” Her VI floated over from his station across the room.

“Of course, Shadow Broker; it would be a pleasure.” Always so polite. Some of the Normandy's crew could learn a few lessons in manners from Glyph, it seemed.

Taking a deep breath, she passed the mess hall and walked down the hallway to the room Shepard had inexplicably turned into a lounge. With the threat of Reapers looming closer every day, it was rarely used. Liara herself had only been in there once, when Shepard had decided that on top of the bar would be an interesting place to be... intimate. The asari flushed at the memory before physically trying to shake it out of her head. _Now is really not the time to be thinking about that_ , she told herself. Calm, cool, collected. Right.

Tali was perched on top of a barstool, swaying a bit. A half-empty bottle of brown liquid sat in front of her. She turned as Liara entered the room, waving the arm not holding a glass furiously to keep from tipping over. “Liara!” she called happily. “Wanna drink?” She leaned over and slid another glass closer to her, beckoning the asari to take the chair next to her.

Feeling more than a little trapped, Liara took the proffered seat and the tumbler, though she decided not to pour anything into it. Stopping to think, she realized that she was not aware how quarians could drink with their suits. She figured now would be a good of time to ask as any. “How are you drinking that, Tali?”

Tali leaned over, her helmet inches from Liara's face, as though she had some great secret to tell. “Verrrry carefully,” she trilled, the alcohol making her accent even thicker. She grabbed the bottle, offering it to Liara; the asari declined. “Turian brandy, triple-filtered, then introduced into the suit through an emergency induction port.” She pointed to what was most certainly a straw poking out of her glass. And since when did Shepard buy turian brandy?

“Tali, that's a straw,” Liara said incredulously.

“Emergency. Induction. Port,” the quarian reiterated. She raised the glass to her face, attempting to aim the straw at the opening in her helmet, but instead wound up knocking the straw into her faceplate several times before giving up with a huff of frustration. “It's actually getting a little harder to get it into the slot. I think that means it's working. Why don't you have yourself a little drink, Liara? It would be good for you. We need to bond. Girl time. You know.”

Liara was using every ounce of willpower she possessed to keep from laughing. She discreetly moved the brandy out of the way as Tali flopped her torso across the bar, apparently looking for more alcohol.

“You're lucky. You levo-proteins get all the good booze. This stuff tastes like varren feces. Not that I know what that tastes like,” she amended quickly. She emerged triumphantly with a rectangular bottle of clear liquid. “Here. Drink.”

“I'd really rather not--”

“Psssh, shut up, Liara,” Tali slurred, unscrewing the bottle after several failed attempts. “You're too uptight. Good friends drink with each other. Be a good friend.”

Liara took the bottle and poured herself a very small shot, not trusting Tali with anything requiring fine motor skills. “I don't drink, not really.” And yet, here she was with a drink in her hand.

“I don't, either, but it's easy. You just put it to your mouth...” Tali mimed, holding an invisible glass. “And then put it _in_ your mouth. Very simple!”

Gingerly, Liara put the glass under her nose and sniffed. Her nose involuntarily wrinkled; it smelled awful. _Goddess, am I really going to do this? Apparently, yes. 1... 2... 3…_

She exhaled and tipped the contents of the shot glass into her mouth, swallowing before she had a chance to taste anything. It felt like liquid fire going down the back of her throat. Without thinking, she inhaled. That was a bad idea. The fumes from the drink were overpowering, and she coughed and spluttered, doing little to relieve the burning sensation in her sinuses. “P-people do this for... fun?” she gasped.

During Liara's coughing fit, Tali had apparently found another bottle, this one colored a garish blue. “Look, it matches your skin,” she giggled. “Maybe sip this one, instead?”

“I don't think so,” Liara said resolutely, pushing her glass away. The first drink had been unpleasant enough.

Tali managed to pour a glass of it anyway. “Give it five minutes. You will want it then, I promise. Now then, to business!”

Liara wished she had some water. “Yes, what is it you wanted to talk about?” Perhaps Tali would pass out soon. Then Liara could crawl upstairs into Shepard's bed and forget this ever happened. One could hope.

After no small amount of effort, Tali took another drink from her “emergency induction port.” “Miranda. I am toasting Miranda. I think.”

“Miranda?” Liara had only met the former Cerberus agent once, when Shepard gave Liara a tour of the new _Normandy_ and introduced her to the crew. Miranda had seemed likeable enough, if a little frosty. She _did_ bring Shepard back from the dead, though, and Liara could never thank her enough because of it.

Tali shook her head, leaning heavily on the bar with her elbows. “She was so rude... What did Jack call her? 'Cerberus cheerleader.' With her perfect genes--”

“What do you mean, 'perfect genes?'” asked Liara. She looked at the tumbler, which had mysteriously found its way into her hand. It _was_ a very lovely shade of blue, she supposed. And there really wasn't any reason she _shouldn't_ drink it. She had been working endlessly for months, barely having any moments to just... relax. She deserved a drink. Or two.

Taking the merest of sips, she braced herself, but found that the odd burning sensation was heavily masked by an incredible cloying sweetness. It tasted as though it was trying very hard to be like fruit juice and just couldn't quite make it. Taking another sip, she could almost see Tali grinning wickedly behind her mask.

“Oh, she was always going on and _on_ about her father...” Drawing herself up into a stiff-backed posture, Tali arched her back and stuck her chest out as far as she could without toppling over. She put on a terrible imitation of Miranda's accent: “My father wanted a dyyynasty, so he made me out of a bunch of different women and now I am good at _everything_ , oh woe is me! Feel _bad_ for me, Shepard!” she wailed, bringing the back of her hand to the top of her head and mock-fainting. Liara snickered into her drink.

Tali continued: “Liara, you are lucky Shepard is not a man. The Cerberus cheerleader would've had her hands aaaall over him, I know it.”

Liara couldn't help but smile at the absurdity. A warmth had made its way across her cheeks and her head felt just the slightest bit lighter. She found it altogether rather pleasant.

The quarian was clearly on a roll now. She waved her glass around in the air; Liara was suddenly grateful it was empty. “And that attitude, Keelah! Do you know what she did to me once? She came down into Engineering and said, 'Tali, we can increase the exhaust velocity of the ion thrusters by 3.6% if we switch more of our power supplies to nuclear fission.' As if I didn't know that already! Maybe that stupid catsuit she wore cut off oxygen to her brain.”

Liara did her best to nod in sympathy. She found that she had reached the bottom of her glass and frowned. This situation would have to be remedied with another drink. As she was reaching for the bottle, though, Tali stopped her.

“Hey now, maybe you should mix that with something. Don't want you to pass out on me before I'm done, you know.” Sliding off her stool, Tali wobbled over behind the bar. She emerged with a carton of something from the mini-fridge. Holding the container very close to her faceplate, she tried to read the label. “Lllleeem... um... l-lemo... ugh, Liara, what does this say?”

Liara squinted at the phonetic human letters. Since when was reading this hard? “Lemonade. Are you sure this will be good?”

“No idea. Drink it anyway, you tell me.” The quarian grabbed a taller glass and filled it with a mix of the yellow lemonade and the mysterious blue liquor, making something radioactive green. As though on a whim, she stuck a straw and a tiny paper umbrella in it. “Beautiful.”

At the same time, Liara poured another shot of brandy. “Shall we make a toast?” she asked, feeling strangely giddy. The two traded drinks and raised them high. “To Miranda?”

“Yes. Nice job, you genetically perfect Cerberus cheerleader bosh'tet! Keelah se'lai!” She paused, staring at her brandy. “I might need some help with the induction straw. Port. You know.”

As Tali held the glass as steady as she could, Liara used both hands to try and angle the straw into the slot of the quarian's helmet. She had to give Tali credit, it _was_ difficult. Made more difficult by the fact that her depth perception was failing her. Eventually, they succeeded, and Liara was able to have a taste of her own drink. Surprisingly, the tartness of the lemonade went perfectly with the sticky-sweet of the blue liquor. “Tali, this is good. You should be a bartender.”

“Perhaps when Shepard is done putting our lives in mortal danger every day. Anyway,” Tali said as she gave Liara a sidelong glance. “How are you feeling?”

Liara smiled broadly, unable to help herself. She found the entire situation very curious. The sober part of her brain was futilely railing against the drunk part. The asari prided herself on her ability to carefully pick her words, knowing when to withhold and when to lay her cards out, so to speak. And now that talent was crumbling in the face of intoxication. It was sublime. “Tali, I feel wonderful.”

“You are so drunk. Lightweight.”

“I am not drunk,” Liara protested. _Yes, yes you are drunk. You are so drunk that you are engaging in the hallmark of drunkenness, which is to state that one is not drunk._

"Fine, not-drunk-Liara, you can just drink more. I'll wait." Tali set her glass on the bar and crossed both her arms and legs.

"You know, Ashley told me to come here and cheer you up, not to get drunk with you," Liara stated, even as she took another sip from her induction-straw-port.

"Ashley is a bosh'tet.” She paused and tittered to herself. “Lieutenant-Commander Bosh'tet. But nevermind her, I am feeling much more cheered up the more you drink!" Suddenly, she leaned forward on her stool in Liara's direction, tapping her fingers together like a caricature of an evil mastermind. "So, tell me, Liara. What is Shepard like in bed? I want all the gory details!"

Liara blinked five times in rapid succession. "Beg pardon?"

"You heard me! Does the Commander give as many orders between the sheets as she does on the battlefield?" Liara was sure she could see Tali's sly smile hiding behind her visor.

_You're not actually going to answer her, are you?_ said Sober-Liara. _It's a great idea!_ replied Drunk-Liara. Sober-Liara's objections were quickly drowned out by Drunk-Liara's chant of _do it, do it, do it!_ It was like being a kid again and having your friends circle around you, daring you to eat something disgusting. Of course, Liara never participated in such foolishness as a child. She was usually too busy reading or digging in the dirt.

She blinked again. The room was starting to sway. Or maybe it was just her? She shook her head, and immediately regretted it when her surroundings moved faster than her eyes could process.

“She _can_ get a little bossy sometimes, yes,” Liara smiled coyly as Tali squeaked with glee. The quarian's surprised reaction drove her to continue. “But I think what I like most is her...” she struggled to find the appropriate noun; she could feel the inner workings of her brain slowing down. “Adventurous...ness.” Yes, that sounded right.

“You know. D'you know. That your skin... turns purple when you blush?” Tali asked before breaking down into peals of laughter, pounding the bar with a fist.

“Yes, I'm aware of basic color theory.” Liara waited until Tali signaled for her to keep going. “Anyway, she's always willing to try new things. And she's a very quick learner,” she chuckled somewhat lecherously, which sent Tali into another fit of giggles. “Like this one time...” Sober-Liara gave one last shout of _Noooo!_ but Drunk-Liara was on a roll, by the Goddess, and she was far too gone to stop now. “When everyone was sleeping. We had sex... on this bar.”

Tali gave two sharp barks of laughter before realization set in. She looked at the bar, then at Liara, then at the bar, then back at Liara. “Keelah!” she swore, reeling backwards, her stool tipping dangerously on two legs. Liara reached forward to steady her friend, but intoxication made her overcompensate and she ended up falling onto Tali, sending them both tumbling painfully to the floor.

“I had my _face_ on that bar! And you, and Shepard, and you, and _your DNA is on my face, Liara!_ ” Tali shrieked, scrambling until she was pressed into the corner of the bar and the wall. She put her head in her hands, mumbling, “I feel so dirty. Even in a hermetically sealed suit, I am unclean.”

That was all it took to push Liara over the edge. She rolled on the floor, clutching her sides, heaving with laughter until tears streamed down her cheeks.

When she was finally able to stop, ribs aching, she looked up to see Ashley Willams staring down at her in utter disbelief.

“Liara, what the hell are you—no, you know what? No, I'm not even going to ask. I send you off to have a nice friendly chat with Tali, then go to get some sleep, I get woken up by screaming and a giant crash, run in here and find you both completely trashed.”

Liara ducked her head in shame and decided that maybe analyzing the grooves in the floor was a safer thing to do than look up at the Lieutenant-Commander at that moment. The alcohol in her gut was starting to churn, and she didn't think Ashley needed to deal with vomit on top of everything else tonight. She closed her eyes to stop the world from spinning. The world, however, insisted on spinning behind her eyelids.

“Exactly how much did you drink, Liara?” asked Ashley, sounding entirely too much like Matriarch Benezia for Liara's liking.

“Two shots and a mixed drink,” offered Tali helpfully from the corner.

Ashley snorted. “That's it? I knew you were a lightweight, but damn. Can you get up?”

Even the thought of getting to her feet hit Liara with another wave of nausea. “No,” she said, pathetically.

“Tali, you gonna be okay while I haul the most powerful information broker in the galaxy off to bed?” Ashley asked. At the quarian's dismissive handwave, Ashley turned back to Liara with a sigh, part pity, part frustration, all Schadenfreude. “Do you want to go to your quarters or Shepard's?”

There was no way Liara was going to be able to handle the two dozen monitors glowing away in her room, not to mention Glyph, with its ever-persistent helpful chatter. She would have to risk waking the sleeping dragon. “Sh'pard.”

With a grunt, Ashley picked her up and laid Liara over her shoulders in a fireman's carry. _Oh Goddess, I promise to never drink again if you keep me from vomiting._ As if reading Liara's thoughts, Ashley said, her voice edged with venom,“I swear to God, Liara, if you puke on me I will throw you out the airlock, Shepard be damned. I mean it. Keep your eyes shut and your mouth closed.”

Liara did as she was told. Thankfully, the trip to the elevator and up to Shepard's cabin was a brief one, and Ashley kept any further threats to herself. The Commander was, mercifully, a very deep sleeper, and she remained in slumber as Ashley carefully slid the asari off her shoulders onto the bed. Liara closed her eyes, immensely grateful for the feel of soft pillows under her head and the distinct lack of light.

Ashley tip-toed to the bed with a cup of water she had apparently filled from the bathroom tap. “Here. Drink this,” she whispered, handing the cup to Liara. “You'll thank me tomorrow.”

“Aye aye, L'tenant-C'm'nder Bosh'tet,” Liara slurred heavily into her water, dutifully taking a few sips.

“Good night, Liara. You're in for one hell of a bad morning,”


End file.
